The Last Wretched Day

Ugggggggggggggggggh....
Finally, the last day of full time work. Also, my last day in the VRC. I just want to be rid of it. I could have KILLED that lazy asshole yesterday, leaving me on cash alone for over three hours, while he lounged in the lobby or took countless breaks. I even TOLD him I was sick, and that because there's only two of us on, he oculdn't pull that shit for the thousandth time. And he STILL pulled it. That fucking loser. If you hate terminal so much, why the fuck don't you go down to house, where you can do lobby ALL day ? You fucking bastard. I'll tear you to pieces ..in my mind...if you pull that shit today.
On the other hand, I had a really good sleep last night, the best in a couple of weeks, at least. I kep having strange dreams about having a party at my grandmothers and having people disappear till I was the only one there, and then get picked up to go somewhere else, and about finding a beautiful formal dress for really cheap only to find out it was hideous after I'd showed it off, and also about having someone arrive in crutches to this formal , and all my work people showing up while I was hiding in a closet. It was odd.
Anyhoo , going to get the last day started now. Later !

Attack of the Sleeplessness ~In Allergy Form !

Yup, so I can't sleep lately. No particular reason, except for allergies, and feeling dehydrated at 5AM, or having to use the bathroom if I've drank water before bedtime. And the construction outside my house, which begins at 7 AM on the bot. I mean dot. I guess that's plenty of reason, which at least is better than not sleeping for no apparent reason. I haaaaaaaaaate not sleeping. I get sick twice as much as I would were I sleeping well, I get short tempered, and I generally feel gross and dirty and disgusting. I hope this won't last.
It may also have to do with my wretched job, which I just want to be done of , and can't see the end in sight. At least after this week, I only work two days a week, which is not so bad, I guess. Ugh. 3 days of this fucking five day stretch are done, just today and tomorrow to go. That job has been so frustrating. It doesn't let me take any time off, yet we're constantly overstaffed. It is soooooo easy to break the law with it, too. I mean, literally noone watches ANYTHING you do . Sometimes I think people just try to see what they can get away with. Including me. Anyways, just need to get through these two days. Later.

I can't keep pretending that life never changes, when the ink is dry already and the pages past are yellowing...

I know I am neglecting you all, and I am truly sorry.
I wish I could tell you that it's not you.
I have so little time , and I can't keep ignoring myself because of my insistence on holding on.
I need you to understand. I work a 40 hour a week job, but with commute, it turns out to be more like 60 hours. And it exhaustes me. I'm ready for bed by 11, but refusing to go that early. The little free time I have goes by so quickly that it feels like I hardly have any. And at that point I spend most of that small amount of time with Kevin, because of two reasons- we've worked out the times that we can see each other, and we've got our patterns worked out- and the other, is that I love spending time with him. It does NOT mean that I don't like spending time with you anymore, either. Work is the sucky reality of growing up. To get something, I have to give something. And that is time. Balancing everything has been next to impossible. I've already given up on those friends that aren't really into a lot of effort, like Courtney and Trysta, simply because I have no time to devote to keeping something alive there. Megan, Bethany, Carrie, and Emily, I wish I could get help you understand, but I hardly have time to do even that. I think it's just one of the sad factors of growing up, and it's why a lot of people lose touch with each other after high school. Life.....changes...a lot. Priorities change, even if I don't want them to. I HAVE to work like a mofo to pay for school. I don't WANT to, sometimes I would love to throw work out the window and just have fun. But work is a necessity. So I make the most of the time I have off, and manage to make life enjoyable anyways.
The other thing is just that I am in a relationship that has been growing serious for some time, and as much as I don't like to admit it, it changes my priorities a bit. I want to be with him most of the time, but at the same time, I want to see the girls, so it's very conflicting. Despite what it seems, Kevin and I don't really get to spend as much time together as I'd like, although I know it seems like we're together all the time. We aren't at all. I see him basically on my two days off, and even then I have appointments and all that shit so our time is often cut short. It's hard to know everyone's schedules, as well, so with friends, it's really hard to plan group things when I don't know their schedules. Noone's fault, but , still, there it is.
I'm worried because I don't think this will change in the fall. I will be working part time at Parks and going to school for all of September and a lot of October, and after that, probably working at Zellers or something. So until December, I really don't know what will happen.
I promise to try harder when school starts. You can hold me to that. Just don't think I don't care about you anymore. I do.

Love and a pen are all you really need..

I realized it today, something my heart has been hinting to me for a long time.
I'm falling in love with you.
Love changes everything. When I started to love you, it just...clicked right in. Suddenly all that stuff I thought underneath was important doesn't matter. It didn't matter that you weren't what I pictured for myself. You've become more than what I'd hoped for myself, and some beautiful world has opened its doors to me.
I'm so glad we gave it a chance. I opened my heart, and something beautiful has planted itself there.
You're so good to me. It's in everything you say, every look you give me, in that lovely smile of yours, every little thing you do for me, that you love me . And it brings new color into my world. I know you would do anything for me, and you know I would for you.
You're one of my closest friends. I know I can trust you with anything, whatever I tell you. I feel like I know you inside out now. We've explored so much together, and there's still so much left to discover. I like that feeling.
This feeling just keeps getting stronger, and more permanent. I feel like I can get through anything with you by my side.
That's all I feel like saying right now. Some day soon I'll say it to your face.
I love you.

Ode to Work

You're not going to break me, you're not going to change me, it's written on my heart, that I'm gonna be ok...

Seriously, work people .
I don't really give a fuck what you think about me. I don't want to be part of your little cliques.
It doesn't mean I'm going to be mean to you. Or even be unfriendly. But I'm not going out of my way to try and befriend your stupid little cliques. I grew out of that shit. And I'm not going to try and be cool so that you let me into your little cliques. I'm not even going to pretend I like you anymore. I get so sick of being in the same tiny room with 6 or 7 people every day that I can't spend any extra time with you. So if that makes me uncool, or wierd, or unfriendly to you guys, suck it up and get over it.
I feel like I can't be myself, like I have to try and impress the lot of you all the time. And I don't want to do it anymore. I'm sure you're fine people on your own, or outside of work. It's just that I don't care whether or not you are. Work is work to me, and the rest bullshit. So if I'm not "cool" enough or "funny" enough, or cliquey enough for you guys, I don't really give a shit. If I don't go to your staff parties and gettogethers, and that makes me " not part of the gang " , or if I don't cling to anyone in particular, or if I spend some time on my own, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT ? It's WORK. And it feels like a sorority. There is so much cattiness, and judging, anf talking behind peoples backs. I find it pathetic. So what. I guess that makes me uncoooool then ? Well, from now on, I don't give a shit, and we'll see how THAT works. I almost feel like TRYING to be the unpopular person, just to see what comes from it. Sorry kiddies, I grew out of that stage of my life, so I'm just going to do what I do best. Work. And the rest be damned.
P.S. I swear to God if I EVER let ANYONE make me feel so insecure and unsure of myself again, I will kick my own ass. It's done. I know who I am, I know who I want to be. And those ideas do not include anything found at Green Gables. I am strong, I am confident, I am exactly who I am and I will NOT let this go on anymore.
Day one on its way.

It's so easy to break....

Sometimes I think about how things were two months ago, two years ago, ten years ago....it's wierd to see how time flows.
There have been so many people drifting constantly in and out of my life. Sometimes a word, a joke, a sound, an image stirs a memory inside of me , and I'll see someone's face in my head. Then I get to thinking about them. Usually then is when I realize how time plays tricks on me, makes me think of something that feels like just yesterday , that was in fact years ago. Or makes me think of something that happened just two months ago, that feels like years ago. Sometimes it's wierd to realize that it's been in fact well over a year since high school, since everything that happened in high school. And to think through the whole of last year.
Dreams are the hardest. I hate when you have a dream about someone, and you wake thinking things are like they were way back when, and to come to the realization that in fact you haven't spoken to that person in six months. It's like opening closed wounds or something. Anyhoo, I don't know what made me think of that. It's just kind of interesting to think about. I think I am kind of a sentimental person. I don't like to get rid of things unless I know they aren't worth having around anymore. ( Lol, my email account, oh god, no comments Megan...). I just don't like throwing away pleasant memories. But then again, I shouldn't have to. They're all in my head, and that's what I want to realize. I love the memories, but wouldn't want to relive them anywhere but in my head. I can remember them all I want, but I want to remember them as memories, and live in the present , so to say.
Today I deleted everything in both my hotmail accounts. Go me .