Growing Up

This month has been the most important month in a long time for me. I hasn't been a great month, although it seems to have ( thankfully ) settled down now and things are running smoothly, but it has been a month where I feel like I have become a different person. I am ready to live in the present as myself, and not some role. A lot to still sift through, but this can only mean good things. I hope Kevin and I will always be able to work things out, but if things ever change between us, I hope that we will be able to worth through it and stay close. I've noticed that our relationship has changed a number of times; The First Three Months, which were all uphill; it was exciting getting to know each other and the initial falling in love, but we still had faces with each other, we were still aiming to please. The Three to Six Month era was more complex; we got to so we could read each other completely and we got a lot more comfortable around each other. We didn't dress up as much or do fancy things, but we became more intimate here too. It was sort of like Kevin switched from boyfriend to part of the family. After The Six Month is where we are now, and there are a lot more factors to consider here. All the steps up have been taken, and now we've done what we can do I guess, so it's pretty constant now. There are less jittery excited feelings; he's family and with family comes wonderful stuff and frustrating stuff. It's hard making sure we don't take each other for granted. We are muuuch more open with each other; we complain sometimes, and bug each other, but still I can't say that I could be happier with anyone else. I know a lot of stuff now that I love about him, but also can see the stuff that bothers me about him too. He's human again, lol. And so am I to him. So that's a new factor to play into here. Barely a day has gone by that we haven't seen each other since November-ish, and yet I never get sick of him. You have to see each other lots to really know a person, to see each other as your really are and not just the pretty side of someone. He's seem me done up fancy and also sitting around in pj's with hair unbrushed for three daysn and pimples and snotty nose and all. And I've seen him that way too. And I've been there when Kevin's been depressed or scared, and he's been there when I've gone through some depression and sadness. Somehow that's the part that makes it real. That's where the tightest bonds are made, in those hard times. And I'm glad we are facing them well. But it has taught me a few things about love; that it changes. That's how some relationships just don't work out- when things change to become uncompatable and you aren't prepared for change. I now know that no relationship is safe, no matter how good it seems, and that you should just enjoy your relationship and not think too much into the future about it, otherwise, you might miss out on stuff going on right now. And two personalities are guaranteed to change eventually. The difference in long term relationships is realizing this and working at the relationship to keep up with these changes. I don't feel I am on a pedestal as much now, and believe me, I liked the pedestal. But it's more real now- we are on an egual level, we both put in the same that we take. I can be me when I am not on the pedestal, if that makes sense. I was a queen on the pedestal, but now I'm Julie again. And that's just fine with me.
Seeing Rosy and Robbie's "perfect" romance fall apart has made me aware of how important it is to do things for each other; to both contribute in paying for things, taking care of each other, and becoming a partnership, and not an Executive/Secretary kind of thing. Because if it starts out unevenly, with too much wooing and not enough sharing, then it only widens after time. So I am making more of an effort to even things out. Also, to know that there is a fine line in seeing each other too much and not seeing each other enough. I hate going more than a day or two without seeing Kevin, but I also am glad to have some free time back again; I have rediscovered myself. So making sure we have time apart is essential. But also making sure we see each other as much as possible, so that we can grow close.
This month has been terrible; I lost my job, found out my career move isn't compatable with education, lost money trying to pay for tuition, the book fiasco- it seemed like every day I would wake up to a new catastrophe, struggle through it, and end up somehow alive to start another crazy day. But I got through it as a completely stronger person, and I know now that I am not going to become a role- I am going to be me , whoever that is along the way, and stop trying to be all these things I can't be - The perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect employee, the perfect student. Because there aren't any guarantees for the future, so why bother trying to go " the best road ", when it's not guaranteed anyways ? I'll just do what I want to do and I'll survive in the end. School is worth it. I don't always realize it, but teh stuff I'm learning has opened a new world to me - a new way of seeing things that I wouldn't have had without my courses. So it's never going to have been useless. I have become the smart and open minded person partly because of university. Anyways, that's about it. I haven't been blogging or livejournal-ing much anymore. I've gotten bored of it. So I don't know if I will keep using my blogs and livejournals. I feel like I've been sort of growing past that. Anyways, we'll see.