I can't keep pretending that life never changes, when the ink is dry already and the pages past are yellowing...
I know I am neglecting you all, and I am truly sorry.
I wish I could tell you that it's not you.
I have so little time , and I can't keep ignoring myself because of my insistence on holding on.
I need you to understand. I work a 40 hour a week job, but with commute, it turns out to be more like 60 hours. And it exhaustes me. I'm ready for bed by 11, but refusing to go that early. The little free time I have goes by so quickly that it feels like I hardly have any. And at that point I spend most of that small amount of time with Kevin, because of two reasons- we've worked out the times that we can see each other, and we've got our patterns worked out- and the other, is that I love spending time with him. It does NOT mean that I don't like spending time with you anymore, either. Work is the sucky reality of growing up. To get something, I have to give something. And that is time. Balancing everything has been next to impossible. I've already given up on those friends that aren't really into a lot of effort, like Courtney and Trysta, simply because I have no time to devote to keeping something alive there. Megan, Bethany, Carrie, and Emily, I wish I could get help you understand, but I hardly have time to do even that. I think it's just one of the sad factors of growing up, and it's why a lot of people lose touch with each other after high school. Life.....changes...a lot. Priorities change, even if I don't want them to. I HAVE to work like a mofo to pay for school. I don't WANT to, sometimes I would love to throw work out the window and just have fun. But work is a necessity. So I make the most of the time I have off, and manage to make life enjoyable anyways.
The other thing is just that I am in a relationship that has been growing serious for some time, and as much as I don't like to admit it, it changes my priorities a bit. I want to be with him most of the time, but at the same time, I want to see the girls, so it's very conflicting. Despite what it seems, Kevin and I don't really get to spend as much time together as I'd like, although I know it seems like we're together all the time. We aren't at all. I see him basically on my two days off, and even then I have appointments and all that shit so our time is often cut short. It's hard to know everyone's schedules, as well, so with friends, it's really hard to plan group things when I don't know their schedules. Noone's fault, but , still, there it is.
I'm worried because I don't think this will change in the fall. I will be working part time at Parks and going to school for all of September and a lot of October, and after that, probably working at Zellers or something. So until December, I really don't know what will happen.
I promise to try harder when school starts. You can hold me to that. Just don't think I don't care about you anymore. I do.
I wish I could tell you that it's not you.
I have so little time , and I can't keep ignoring myself because of my insistence on holding on.
I need you to understand. I work a 40 hour a week job, but with commute, it turns out to be more like 60 hours. And it exhaustes me. I'm ready for bed by 11, but refusing to go that early. The little free time I have goes by so quickly that it feels like I hardly have any. And at that point I spend most of that small amount of time with Kevin, because of two reasons- we've worked out the times that we can see each other, and we've got our patterns worked out- and the other, is that I love spending time with him. It does NOT mean that I don't like spending time with you anymore, either. Work is the sucky reality of growing up. To get something, I have to give something. And that is time. Balancing everything has been next to impossible. I've already given up on those friends that aren't really into a lot of effort, like Courtney and Trysta, simply because I have no time to devote to keeping something alive there. Megan, Bethany, Carrie, and Emily, I wish I could get help you understand, but I hardly have time to do even that. I think it's just one of the sad factors of growing up, and it's why a lot of people lose touch with each other after high school. Life.....changes...a lot. Priorities change, even if I don't want them to. I HAVE to work like a mofo to pay for school. I don't WANT to, sometimes I would love to throw work out the window and just have fun. But work is a necessity. So I make the most of the time I have off, and manage to make life enjoyable anyways.
The other thing is just that I am in a relationship that has been growing serious for some time, and as much as I don't like to admit it, it changes my priorities a bit. I want to be with him most of the time, but at the same time, I want to see the girls, so it's very conflicting. Despite what it seems, Kevin and I don't really get to spend as much time together as I'd like, although I know it seems like we're together all the time. We aren't at all. I see him basically on my two days off, and even then I have appointments and all that shit so our time is often cut short. It's hard to know everyone's schedules, as well, so with friends, it's really hard to plan group things when I don't know their schedules. Noone's fault, but , still, there it is.
I'm worried because I don't think this will change in the fall. I will be working part time at Parks and going to school for all of September and a lot of October, and after that, probably working at Zellers or something. So until December, I really don't know what will happen.
I promise to try harder when school starts. You can hold me to that. Just don't think I don't care about you anymore. I do.
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