Crackles of Sense

It finally makes a little more sense to me

Oh man ! I love that feeling after trying to find the answer to something that doesn't quite add up and it stresses you out because the rest doesn't make sense without it and suddenly the answer is there, looking you in the face ! I think that's what I love about history. The fact that it's a story, a puzzle, that you have to reinterpret to yourself and make all the pices come together in a way that makes sense to you. History can be interpreted in so many different ways, so that you're never really looking at the same story twice. And the more you look at it, the more you get out of it. I would major in history if I could do something with a history major. But sadly, no. I'll settle with taking all my electives in history. Unfortunatly. I didnt get my anthro studied, but I read it all, and am waking up at 6 to continue. I'm starting to feel better, this morning was wretched, fortunately I was at home studying however.
School is going well, really hard, but well. Some hard days and some lonely times when I have to stay home and study and stuff when I want to be out having fun, but it's worth it. I enjoy studying, as long as I am not overwhelmed. And right now I am.
Man, hearing people getting involved in the school makes me want to get back into the scheme of things and get involved in a few things, like the women's centre, or maybe some of the societies and stuff. But then I think back to grade 12 and how active I was then and I think to myself I can wait another year or so before I try my hand at any of that stuff. There's no rush. I don't feel the need to make my mark in university just yet, if ever. I'm content right now to just do what I'm doing. Minus work at parks. Sigh. Two weeks, two weeks. Then I'm free. I don't know whether I will go back, even for the 10 something an hour perk next year. I don't know whether it's worth it. That job has done a number on me. I want friendliness back, and I want to get back to a job where people aren't in my face from start to finish. I can only stand so much socialness, lol. Anyhoo, time for bed.

Into the Groove

Time moves whether we do or not

Oh MAN. It's hard to get back into school. Because I didn't take any sort of vacation this year, my mind is telling me to take one NOW. Which is bad, because schoolwork had already piled up insanely. I've definetly noticed an increase in the workload this year compared to last. Or maybe it's just that I've been out of school for so long it feels more brutal than it is. In either case, I have so much schoolwork to catch up on already, it's unreal. I can see that I am not going to be able to get out too much for awhile, but that's ok. I'll manage it somehow. And at any rate, I enjoy my classes and don't mind sitting down and working.
My courses are going really well, on the whole. After getting that messy situation of replacing Sociology 201 with something that not only I can use, but fits well into my time schedule ( NOT EASY TO DO ), there was an opening in Anthropology 101, and I need that fo my Soc major, so that worked out ok. But I missed two classes and a quiz already in that class, so it will take some oomph to catch up. I think I'm going to go into school every Friday afternoon and just work on my courses. I did it yesterday and it worked fairly well. I think today I'm going to study at home. I have quite a bit of reading I want to get done today. Sigh. School, school, school. It's going to be a tough but good semester, I think. My psych classes, social psych and developmental psych are going well, I really enjoy them, my stats class is....well, I'm praying to get through it. History looks really interesting and anthro seeeems ok, so I guess we'll see. I have to whip myself back into shape and get back into the grind of studying and doing assignments and all that. Sigh.
I wish Parks was done with. But after tomorrow, just three Sundays left. I honestly can't wait to be rid of it. Then I hopefully will be going back to Zellers, and working maybe two shifts a week or something. We'll see. Tally ho.

Back to School

Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

Sigh. I'm tired. I'll post later.

Interesting but Dangerous

Why can't we ever see the truth until it's too late to mend the past ??

Everyone's doing this Livejournal thing, and for once, this is one that seems interesting, although could leave a lot of people wondering. I'm going to try it anyhow.

The Game : Write 10 things for 10 different people without identifying who they're for.

#1 : I am going to miss you this year. You are, by far, the funnest person ever to be drunk with and attempt having a deep discussion while drunk. You are also the hardest person to figure out; I never know whether you care deeply about anything, or care deeply about everything but hide it. You are a mystery to me. I'll miss our fancy restaurant nights. Take care of yourself. I can't stress that enough.

#2 : You were never honest with your feelings with me, until it was too late. Now things are awkward, and it seems like it hurts you to be around me. I wish it didn't have to go that way. I wish you hadn't let those feelings come between us. We had a lot of laughs these past few months. I miss you .

#3 : You are so much to me. I know I can be a handful sometimes, yet you never fail to be there for me and make me feel better. I know you'll always be there for me, and that's a very good feeling.

#4 : I wish you would get ahold of yourself, and get your shit together. I took a shot on you and so far it has been fruitless. I thought more of you. Maybe someday you will too.

#5 : You are one of my best friends, for many reasons. Mainly because you can be a dumbass just like me ! We laugh at the most retarded shit, and it's hilarious. I can't believe we've never really been drunk together. You are one of the most loyal people I know, sometimes too loyal. You're one of my friends I know I will be playing Tamper The Wheelchair and Hide The False teeth with in the Old Folks Home . I miss you too.

#6 : WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE PAST FEW MONTHS ? Please come out of your hidey'hole ...

#7 : You are the most incredibly nice person I've ever met. I didn't know it was possible to be that nice until I met you. What's most incredible is that it's not even an act . You ARE kindness itself. I'm glad I got to know you a little more.

#8 : I hope you wake up one day and realize how cruel and insensitive your little games are. And then I hope you learn from it and become someone people might trust. There's always hope.

#9 : I trust you as much as I trust myself. You're never shy on telling me when I've been a dumbass, and I need to hear that sometimes. You're wierd and it's funny. I hope you take a few risks this year and get out and have fun, cause you are a lot of fun when you want to be .

# 10 : You are so talented , and someday your hard work is going to pay off for you. You're already a professional and it makes me a little envious.

Beautiful Melancholy

There was a time
When I felt so special
I felt so needed
Felt so loved
But it was all a lie
And in the end
I was always left
Alone

Yup. So right now I feel...........I feel like my life has changed rather slowly, so that I didn't realize it wasn't the same until it was unrecognizable. Augh! I feel like I hardly know half the people in my life anymore. I've been so intensely busy, just working and being in a serious relationship, that they have both become the focal points of my life. And now school, the ultimate centre of my life, starts again, and I simply don't see an end to the chaos anytime soon. Does that mean the end of my teenhood, or maybe the beginning of my adulthood ?
I just feel like I've grown out of so much. My short lived bar life.........just doesn't interest me anymore. I just feel like it's time for work and school and my boyfriend and my good friends and my passions, and the rest is just fluff. And to be honest, I'm more comfortable that way. I've come to the conclusion that I need more time to myself. I get next to none right now, and now I'm used to putting everythng aside until later. And...I don't want to do it anymore. I'm really excited for school to start, and to get back into that sort of life. But if just makes me feel like the life I knew has lost its meaning with me... and that I'm growing away from those people that were such a centre in that life. And there are some people that I don't want to do that with. But how can I balance it ? It's been impossible this summer. I know they dont really understand how much relationships can take over your life. Not in a bad way , necessarly. But it becomes different. Suddenly, your friends are on the sidelines a little bit while you're trying to work out the relationship and figure out how it's going to work. And time is passing while I'm so absorbed in this other life. And people are changing. I am afraid I'm not going to recognize any of my previous life within another few months. That's all for now.

The Not So Last Wretched Day Continues

Soooooooooooooooooo..........yes. I decided that working Fridays AND Sundays at this job would be too much. I can't handle 16 of this job a week, and also workng there until October 31. So this way is better. I work another ( last but torturous ) 5 day week at Parks, only in the HOUSE, which is twice as mind numbing as the VRC, taking me right up to the end of September having Fridays off. I couldn't find a reliable ride on Fridays anyways, and I don't have the time now to be scrounging everywhere for one. Also this way, there are 6 days in between working to recover, and ALSO, I am now finished October 10th instead of October 31. A little better. I haven't decided whether I will go in on Tuesday or not. I'm thinking not. That would be simply too much. So just today and tomorrow. I can get through THAT. I hope. I need at least one day off to enjoy the end of summer. I think I'll tell Michel today I won't work the Tuesday.
This job has been the most ridiculous I've had for not giving time off. Were it not for the slackness all summer, I'd have been driven crazy. I don't think I could handle another summer of Green Gables, but I guess we'll see. Maybe a few months off will help me ease off it a bit.
Anyways, time to get ready yet again for work. Fuck you , Green Gables.