Sometimes when I'm exercising in the basement, or messing around on the comp, I get to thinking about how things have changed. I realize that it's been six weeks since I've seen any of my old friends, weeks since we've even spoken to each other. I love them just as much, but I wonder at how I have changed.
It doesn't bother me anymore whether I go out much or not. I've grown very fond of my room over the past year. I prefer to spend many nights of the week in solitude. I enjoy it and look forward to it. This isn't really any different, except I find it a lot more difficult to be active, busy, on the go all the time. I prefer to sit back and ponder things, or just sit in my own little world, just like I used to.
When I was little, this didn't bother me in the least. I was not a social kid. I liked going to birthday parties and having classmate pals, and also being on good terms with everyone. But when it came to my leisure time, I prefered to play alone, or sometimes with my sister. I never had a problem with this until I was about 10 or 11, when I started getting a vibe that this was not normal or healthy. So I labored over this fact, grew stressed and worried that I wasn't normal, and vowed to change. And over time, I began to become very obsessed with my social "status"- not necessarily in the popular/unpopular way, but I just really really wanted a solid group of friends with which to spend my time. Although I still spent lots of time in my own little world, that little world was usually made up of fantasizing about friends or my school crush, and my motives for being alive were to build social relationships. Whether I enjoyed it or not. I just wanted to seem normal. So gradually I didn't feel comfortable in my own little world of fantasy anymore. I would tell myself that I was a loser, or some wierd abnormal person when I didnt focus on the social aspect. This motive grew from the time I was 10 or 11 into an obsession in Grade 7, peaking to the point of cracking in Grade 9. After this year, I had felt as though I had , after a tumultuous year of trying to build friendships, figured out what I really wanted in a friend/group of friends.
And then Junior High ended, and High School began, with the Great Split, in which all the friends I felt I had made "scattered" and "went down bad paths", leaving me behind in the cold. Although really, I should have seen that what I had in Grade 9, although temporarily satisfying, would not last- once school ended, I spent the summer not seeing anyone!
Grade 10 I lost touch with most of these "friends" and instead cultivated a small but close knit circle of friends, of which I was too depressed from losing the "friends" from my group to really appreciate in full. These friends were H*, E*, and M*. When I actively saught to relieve my depression from finding that "goal" dissolve in my face, I had a few secure months ( although how secure really ? So much drama....) in which I made connections with S* and J* to add to M*, H*, and E*. And I felt very comfortable with this group. I felt that I had found a group of friends who were true friends. And then through Grade 12 this all split apart-with H* and J*'s new image and friends, my group became S*, E*, and eventually T* as well, with M* as always. This was depressing because I valued those friendships so much, but it wasn't the same as Grade 10- in Grade 12, while there was the split, I was very active socially and busied my time mingling- Mi*, Ma*, R*/comp, Mir*, sometimes the H's, HC*....all these people became important, if not really close, figures in my life. And although there were some tumultuous times, I was happy. Then high school ended, university began, and all of those casuals began to dissolve. M* became a big figure of my social life, as well as B* until school ate her up:), and I found some enjoyment in drinking and such. Then , halfway through first year, I became very close with R*/comp. This was probably the happiest point in my life; second term of first year. Social, on the go all the time, but yet I enjoyed it, I became especially close to C*, Kr*, and K*, with R0*, R*, H* and all being important background figures.
Then once the romance "triangles" began, that all dissolved and a new atmosphere transformed- one where K* was more boyfriend. These first months were absolutely wonderful, but sad at the same time, because having K* as my boyfriend meant losing C* and Kr* as close friends, and this was very difficult for me. I spent less and less time with others ( although really, since first year in feb I had begun to spend less time with the others anyways and more with R*/comp). After the shift, "robbie's" did not feel the same to me and I did not get the same enjoyment out of being down there; especially since C* did not come down anymore and Ro* eventually broke up with R*. This changed the group dynamic considerably and I didn't get much from going down, so I didn't. I worked at school and saw K*, and was ok with that, except school was so damn stressful that year. Then I had an interesting summer, and saw R* and them more, but enjoyed R*'s company more without the rest.
School started with a completly new feel. Gone was my zeal for pretty much everything, but it's not like my ambition died. I just became more complacent, and with that less adjusted to stress. I had a lovely light semester when everyone else had a heavy one, and I began to grow new interests and pastimes- namely video games and anime. Having actual pastimes besides socializing changed my outlook, ambitions, and energy- I was no longer content to just drive myself to the limit at school and work like mad outside of it. I , in fact, became a bit lazy, and for the first time in years, began to throughly enjoy it. I still did what was necessary at school, and it seemed easier to get through putting a bit less into it- I still did well.
This semester my workload was upped a fair bit from last, but I found it somehow more manageable. I have my pastimes; exercising, anime, and video games, or which I am graetful for, and this means I am back to my roots. My solitude has grown precious, but with it, it's harder to play fake social when I need to. I don't feel as friendly. But I am no less happy.
The only problem, and the reason for this post, is the guilt. This constant wave of guilt at letting things go that I "shouldn't"? To not try.
But looking at this timeline, I am realizing that..
Maybe it wasn't all me ? Maybe things changed on their own, at least in part ?
I am not trying to get rid of any blame on trying less, just diffuse it. Things changed as well as myself. My friends changed too. They haven't been complacent. After all, M* had 9 months with S*. That's a nine month stretch in there. She's into bars, and there's nothing wrong with that- and I realized, that while I definetly enjoy the odd bar trip , espeically if I go all out, get so drunk I'll pour my heart out and have a blast, but on the whole....I prefer a quiet life.
I think my next goal is to stop internally blaming myself for everything that has been lost. After all, haven't I gained tremendously as well ?
Ah. Happy Birthday to me :).
